Ask Amy: Mom raised independent kids

[garpu]

 Dear Amy: I have always tried to raise my two children, now 17 and 18, to be independent. They were allowed to make a lot of their own decisions — for better or for worse (although I, of course, gave them guidance when they needed it).

 

Guess what? It worked! Now they don’t need me or choose to be with me for more than 10 minutes a day, in general. Eating dinner only takes seven minutes, apparently. Then, “I have homework to do.”

 

The older one is in college and hacking her way through life’s challenges in ways that befuddle me but still seem to keep her on the general path toward adulthood.

 

The younger one is a great student, responsible and trustworthy, but basically a roommate who forages in the kitchen at midnight.

 

I know they love me; they tell me reasonably often, and I get hugs now and then.

 

I am an active person, always with a little project or taking a walk. They NEVER want to do anything with my husband or me unless it involves food or some unusual activity like going to a comedy club.

 

Museums, movies, TV series, hikes? No way. They are in their rooms, at work or off with friends. I worry about their socialization and lack of activity, even though they’re physically just fine.

 

They are going to be gone for good before I know it, so my question is this: Do I let them continue to live their own lives for better or for worse, or do I occasionally force them to do things with us and ignore the complaining?

 

It’s obviously easier for me — and frankly more enjoyable — to just do what I like without having to force others along and listen to their complaining, but I also feel like I’m just giving up and not parenting well.

 

What do you think?

 

— Befuddled Mom

 

Dear Befuddled: I think that you should occasionally force your kids to do “family things.” This demonstrates that there are times when they should, in fact, engage in relationship-building activities just because other people want them to.

 

The place to start this campaign might be during your seven-minute dinners.

 

Your children should in fact be forced to stay at the table and converse — or wait patiently with their phones elsewhere — until everyone is done eating. Then, unless they have cooked the meal, they should clear the table and clean the dishes. This is basic life skills 101.

 

And yes, occasionally you should force-march them through a family hike or into a museum with you and their father, simply because you are all in a family together. They should also be forced to attend celebrations or memorial services for family members, even if they have other plans. And yes, you should ignore the complaining. And yes, they will still love you.

[OK, forcing "children" who're 17 and 18 to converse is going over like a fart in church.  Also, the oldest is in college.  He/she doesn't have time to do much else.  I know when I was in college, the absolute last thing I wanted to do was "family time" or forced conversation over the dinner table.  I think this one's really a case of closing the barn door after the horses have bolted.]  

Comments

[jamoche]

"Gone for good?" Actually it looks like she was on track to have her kids be "gone, but comes back often". But I can't think of a better way to get "gone for good" than to pull a switch like this when they're already one step out the door.

And the reply: "They should also be forced to attend celebrations or memorial services for family members, even if they have other plans." Where was it ever said that they skipped out on things like that?

But hey - there are things they do with you already! Maybe try a few more comedy clubs and fewer museums, huh?

[garpu]

Yeah, LW needs to start forming a relationship with other people her age. And forced to attend, really? Given the kinds of jobs available to 18-year olds in college, those don't have things like paid time off or sick/personal days.

[ambiviolent]

OT but Hi! Glad to see you and the comm are here, Garpu!

[garpu]

Hullo! Feel free to submit stuff! I honestly forgot I made it until I saw that people had joined. :)

[northernwalker]

I think them staying at the dinner table and talking is fair, as is having them do the dishes. However, that depends on what's happening afterwards. Do they work or have club meetings? Those days they should be allowed to eat and run.

Also, maybe fewer museums and more things they enjoy? I love museums, but not everyone does.