Ask Amy: Cat ownership causes concerns

[garpu]

 Dear Amy: I’ve started to realize that I should probably rehome my cat. I adopted her four years ago when she was a kitten and she helped me to adjust to living on my own in a new city.

 

My fiance is allergic and “not a cat person.” My cat is very rambunctious, gets into everything and likes to test authority. Having my fiance in the household for the past year has seemed to increase my cat’s anxiety and the tension has been the source of almost every fight.

 

On top of that, my cat had a bumpy recovery after surgery and her anxiety since has been really difficult for me to manage. She gets upset if I even leave a room she is in.

 

I am gone 12 hours a day. I totally fail to give her the attention and care that she needs.

 

Several months ago my fiance told me that ultimately I would have to find a new home for her because it clearly wasn’t working for everyone.

 

I didn’t want to admit to him that I had already seriously considered rehoming her.

 

I know it’s petty, but I want to give conditions before I agree. My conditions are that he has to get rid of his saltwater fish. If we ever consider getting pets, I want the final say.

 

The guilt of giving up this cat is crushing me.

 

Even if I find a better home for her, saying goodbye to my cat will rip me into pieces.

 

How do I navigate this?

— Always a Cat Lady

Dear Cat Lady: According to you, you have not provided this cat with the home she deserves to have. You are gone for 12 hours a day, and have not successfully dealt with the cat’s extreme anxiety. These unfortunate conditions are reason enough to find a different home for this cat.

 

If your fiance is allergic, I don’t see how you could place the blame so squarely on him for not wanting to live with a very high-maintenance, unhappy, dander-producing animal. His allergy is not his fault.

 

Do your fiance’s fish give you hives, get into everything or yowl whenever they are alone? If so, then the cat and the fish are somewhat equivalent. Otherwise, not so much.

 

Your fiance should be patient, understanding and kind toward you, and should help you to find a better home for your cat.

 

If your motivation to get rid of these fish is to force your fiance to give up his pets because you are giving up yours, then you might not be ready for marriage.

 

Marriage is about respectful compromise. Compromise doesn’t mean demanding that your partner must lose if you are losing.

 

You should not have the last (or only) say when choosing your next pet with your partner. You two should decide together, and should share the responsibility of animal stewardship as evenly as you can.

Me:  Normally I say "rehome the boyfriend/girlfriend," but it sounds like Cat Lady has really dropped the ball on her pet.  It might be time to rehome the kitty.  The fish and wanting right of last refusal on future pets is just petty, and I'm glad Amy called it out, for once.

 

Comments

[kellyblah]

Currently seeing this play out with some long-time friends of the family (my not so subtle way of saying I would prolly not choose to know these people, but my parents did, so I grew up with these kids). Her fiance "doesn't get along with" her pet pig. Poor thing is no longer in the house now :(

[garpu]

Yeah. :( Or they have kids and believe the old wives' tale about cats killing babies. In this case, I think there's crap on both sides, but the LW really doesn't come off too well.

[bittyknitter88]

I was feeling a lot of sympathy toward LW until they said he needs to get rid of the fish.

If he is a good man, he'll feel empathy toward LW for having to rehome her kitty and will be supportive. LW sounds incredibly vindictive.

[garpu]

That did flip my support in the letter, yeah.

[northernwalker]

Vindictive is a good word for it. Especially when she demands final say on any other pets down the line. I don't think she's grown up enough for marriage.

[garpu]

Yup.

I keep thinking of the last so many cats. Cat #2 was a few months after cat #1 died. We swore we weren't going to get any pets, but uncle's cat got knocked up. It was either take a kitten, or they go to the pound (all black, so, yeah..) He turned out to be the best cat in the world.

And then...uncle took a turn for the worse and isn't doing as well. He had to rehome another cat from a different litter (yes, momma's now spayed.) It was a few months after cat #2 suddenly died (either heart attack or stroke). I'm kind of glad we didn't stick to the ultimatum of no more cats, because cat #3 is a cool goofball, who likes to cuddle in bed.

Teel deer: shit doesn't always work out the way you think, and ultimatums suck.

[bittyknitter88]

It broke my heart a few months ago to learn that black cats are statistically less likely to be homed just like black dogs. Black cats are the funnest sorts of cats, in my humble opinion of owning the coolest black cat ever. the breed that they come after makes some very friendly playful cats. My cat was a stray, so I don't have any kind of clear lineage for her, but she fits Black Bombay in personality and looks to a T.

[garpu]

Yeah, Cat #2 was at least half Bombay, so's Cat #3. (Their mom has papers and everything.) Cat #2 was a stereotypical Bombay cat in looks and attitude. Cat #3 is bicolor, but still as friendly.

[bittyknitter88]

Certainly not!

[northernwalker]

I was sympathetic up until she demanded he get rid of his fish. Now, not so much.

[garpu]

Yeah...too many letters are the boyfriend hating the girlfriend's cat, and the girlfriend getting rid of the cat and being (rightfully) resentful.

[chvickers]

I’m sorry, but allergies trump everything. The poor cat doesn’t even have a good home!